Why does My brain work like this?

My ADHD and OCD story, which I feel embarrassed to share with people.

Since childhood, I had issues, like every other kid I was playing and trying to study, and boom my brain goes to this state which is so hard for me to understand.

Yes, we all as a child wander away to thoughts. But I’m 30-year-old women who still have this issue. This might sound unusual for a lot of people but this is how I was built and understanding this has taken years for me.

I have tried everything in years, mediation, therapy, summer camps, trying to talk about my feeling to people, yoga, running, gym, you name it I have done it. But I still couldn’t keep my finger on what was my issue.

It all starts off simple. One such example is if I meet a new person I get close to them very fast, I try my level best to know them, I try to make my best effort to communicate with them. But two seconds later, I start pushing them away from life, and to date, the only few people I have not pushed away are my parents, sister, and my best friend.

Doesn't matter how much the opposite person is trying to make an effort to stay in my life, the minute I feel a little overwhelmed, I just push them away.

Is it bad? Do people out there feel the way I feel?

I have lost so many friends and good people in my life because of this “separation of church and state”

This is not just with people, it has also happened with things or hobbies that I used to love and don’t like to them anymore.

But every time I hurt people like this, the only thought that runs in my mind is that “ I’m going to end up alone with my dog or cat”. But my intention is not to hurt people. My brain is active, even in the middle of the night. At times even after I have had an amazing meal, I end up getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a cup-noodle and bag of chips and think how much I have disappointed my parents as their first child.

And now my OCD, I know OCD can be in different forms. But the level of OCD is a mix of laziness and hyperactive at times when I don't need to be hyperactive or lazy.

Two weeks ago I bought things on black Friday and my room was kind of a mess. And there I was three days later at 2 in the morning cleaning my room because it was just haunting me. I have got angry at my mother so many times just because she tidied my room when I needed it to be messy because cleaning was my therapy.

God was so kind enough to put OCD and ADHD in my brain and gifted me with a father who is organized as fuck. Organized not just keeping his surroundings clean, but organizing his life, always told me planning is the key to life, screwed me more because the minute I feel things are going sidetracked apart from my planning. I cry, cry, cry and start to feel I'm a disappointing piece of shit. All those childhood traumas have just made me become a people pleaser, a person who asks sorry for her own feeling and tries to explain very tiny things possible to the shittest people in my life.

And as a 30-year old, I’m lost.! lost so bad in this crowded world, I don't know what I need in my life, who is going to stay in my life or what kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. All I think is my life has become a question mark.

I know this too shall pass, and I will find something to fidget about but does anyone feel like these things I feel, not everything but at least one of my ADHD or OCD issues? Where you don't know what made you feel the overwhelming feeling and all a sudden you are angry for no reason on your own self?

But I have never given up, I believe in learning new things every day, even though it might take more than two attempts for me to get it right, I need it right, in my way. do I sound like a control freak? No, I’m not. Maybe just for my life. But I’m learning, that is what will make me a better person.

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Ankita Kumar

Ankita Kumar

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Former Fashion Designer, part-time Chef, and an amateur writer, who loves to explore every topic and trying to read as many books, before I die.