Cigarettes or Cuddles?

what would you choose over love and addiction?

On the 5th of September, I moved to Canada. A few days later I picked up a book from a dollar store, “Bucket List, 101 things I want to do with my one wild and precious life” at that minute when I got that book it was just out of excitement like every other stationery buyer. Today that book has a new meaning to life.

I was 17 years old when I first had my first cigarette, it was just for fun with a few college girls, sitting at an open park bench and smoking it like there was no tomorrow. Little did I know then that anything you say that you are doing for ‘fun’ would become an addiction. No, I was not addicted as you guys could imagine. I smoked every time I was frustrated or happy or when I had a drink a few later years. And every time I smoked I told myself I wouldn't do it the next time but to date, I haven't been able to put a stop to it.

It was during the same time I fell in love with a really toxic person. This person who still happens to be in my life is my ex-boyfriend, best friend, and that one guy I can talk to at any point of the time. He was toxic only in the love part, for the rest he was more than what I could ask for. Meeting him was a pure accident, and accidentally I did fall in love with him. It was not the sex, the best kisses, or even the tons of chocolates he gave me every time he saw me. It was just him, the true self that I saw him for, I have cried to him, laughed with him, screamed and yelled at him and even today our bond of friendship still remains the same. Our breakup had a million reasons but we found every reason to be with together.

So what does this has to do with anyone of you may ask? Just like cigarettes, my ex was an addiction to me. That one addiction thought me the true meaning of life. When I moved to Canada I did not tell him that I was leaving the country, even though I knew he would eventually know about my whereabouts from our friends. There were days I missed him as a friend, as that one human that I could share any kind of feeling with, today at the lowest point of my all I wished was a cigarette and a hug. Both the addiction that I cannot for the love of god get over.

When I sat out for a smoke today, my heart said to me how much things have changed in my life, and also my brain questioned me “will I ever be able to love someone, so much that instead of a cigarette that I would actually hug them and make all my problems just go away at least for that very minute”

Will it happen?

I don’t know.


Hope is a word that makes us all wake up for the next day. And all I can do now is have faith and hope. Hope for that one special someone to love me so that I forget my past and for him to be my soulmate more than my addiction.

Note: Smoking is injuries and I do not encourage any kind of smoking in this article.



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Ankita Kumar

Ankita Kumar


Former Fashion Designer, part-time Chef, and an amateur writer, who loves to explore every topic and trying to read as many books, before I die.